perspective

I am coming to discover that perspective is everything. There are lots of cheesy cliches out there that talk about how its not as much what happens to you but how you choose to respond to it. Or how its not about the destination, but the journey. But I've also come to realize that the things that often sound the most cliche in life, have gotten that title because of the unrelenting truth found behind the cliche.

And so I say again, perspective is everything...well maybe not everything, but an awful lot. And it never hits me more than looking back at another year that declared itself the present, no sooner than to be stored in a photo book and placed on the shelves of our memories. Truth be told, years are nothing more than planet Earth taking another jaunt around the sun. But we of the people-kind seem to like the ideas of beginnings and ends. We love 2nd tries. We love new hope and an opportunity for a fresh tomorrow.

As I look back on 2009, I have the opportunity to choose. Do I choose a perspective that focuses on disappointments, unfinished goals and valiant thoughts that never made it outside of the walls of intentions? Because there were plenty. Or do I choose a perspective that attempts to see these past 365 earth rotations in light of a story so much bigger and grander than me and my accomplishments, failures, disappointments and trials?

So I reflect on the beautiful and redemptive growth that occurred over the past year. None of which had much to do with the hopeful resolutions that began the year (not that I remember any of them). Some of that growth includes:

*making my peace with the kitchen (thanks Food Network).

*staring my own materialism in the face and loosening my grip just a bit more (thanks banking account).

*developing new professional skills and knowledge (thanks job).

*discovering a depth of unconditional love for my son so great that it absolutely scares the bejesus out of me (thanks Lucas).

*uncovering a renewed heart for Christ and His church (thank you Jesus).

In many ways, 2010 has a lot to live up to. I have a feeling its (He's) up for the challenge:)

A year ago today...

Yes, I know I'm not actually posting this on 10/20/09. I started a post on that day and have been trying to figure out how to upload this video since. I finally figured it out!!

This is a tribute to my favorite little boy's 1st year of life and his mommy and daddy's first year figuring out parent-hood.

What an adventure and JOY he has been.

license to kill

The big bad infection needs to leave our little guy's ears once and for all.

It so rudely intruded for the first time about two weeks ago. We counter-attacked with a trip to the doc and bubblegum-flavored Amoxicilin. We thought the infection got the point. We're not interested in any of its kind around these parts.

(Note: And yes, I did try a very tiny lick of the Amoxicilin and yes I was instantly transported back to 4th grade, lying on my parents' couch, watching the "Empire Carpet" commercial).

But alas, for this particular infection, it was apparently going to take a little more than a tasty pink elixir to get our point across. This past Monday evening the infection welcomed itself back into our son's cute unknowing little ears. So Lucas and I headed to the ER Monday night with him spiking over a 103 degree fever.

(Note: Despite the little guy's uncomfortably high fever, Lucas was still eager to explore the entire waiting room by hand and knee.)

Well, we've got some more serious ammo now. No "sweet pink" potions this time around. This antibiotic means business. It aims to kill.

Be afraid little infection.

Be very afraid.

And Congratulations to the Neuhausels!!!

Another new member has entered Mark and my extended "friend family". Congratulations Kay and Dave. What a precious gift he is. And I must say, what an attractive little guy!! We hope to meet Cashian Beau SOONER than later!!! All our love to you guys:)

an ode to my little blue buddy

It was bound to happen...I'm sure its some kind of rite of passage into mommy-hood...Lucas broke our camera. It was this past Thursday. He was just passing it from one hand to the next and then he went for the mouth. At that moment, I swooped in and placed it on the counter where he can't reach it, along with the remote control, cell phones, cell phone chargers, lap top power cord, flower vase, two candle holders, six tealights, the coasters and his diaper ointment. Everything looked ok with it so I didn't think too much about it.

I have been trying to catch this utter and total cute-ness of Lucas' latest skill on video for weeks now. He can wave! He raises his hand high in the air and focuses oh-so-intently on watching his hand open and shut open and shut while a triumphant smile spreads across his face and his nose crinkles just so (I have no idea where he got that move from:). Actually, the other day we were on a walk and he offered each passerby on foot or in a car a friendly wave. So, yes, I've been trying to capture one of these sweet little moments on camera. But as soon as he hears the camera turn on, he goes straight for that small blue gadget and forgets all about the new trick. So now I have about 10 videos of me saying, "Lucas? Can you wave? Wave Lucas. Hi Lucas! Lucas! Hi!"

And nada.

So, this past Thursday he started waving again! And this time he was doing it on command! I grabbed the camera, went to turn it on, and it made the most horrendous scraping sound with beeps to follow. Tragedy. Since Lucas has been born this camera has been attached to me, fearful that I'll miss a moment that should never be missed. Or even afraid that I might miss a moment that may be fairly inconsequential to miss. So in a bit of a panic I made the brilliant decision that maybe it just needed a little muscle power to get the lens working appropriately again. Yeah, instead, I ripped off this shiny metal part on the end of the lens. Looks important to me.

I have a plan to take my camera to the camera doctor this Wednesday. And I'm gonna go ahead and think positive thoughts about the outcome. The camera doctor WON'T tell me that it would be more expensive to fix than to just buy a new camera! And he/she WILL be able to fix it right there on the spot and save my 10 videos of Lucas not waving!

c'mon little blue buddy! You don't understand. I need ya. You're not gonna let a little baby get the best of you are you!? You can pull through!

I'll keep you posted...

Congratulations Care-Care and Ben!!

My Roomie of 4 years and her hubby had a beautiful baby boy last Monday!!

Owen Marcel Wickstra.

I Can not WAIT to meet him! He's already a total cutie from the photos I've seen.

Congratulations to the two of you. Parenthood is truly amazing.

Love to all three of you.

Back from family vay-cay

Well, we're back from a delightful week of family vacation in Northern Wisconsin, at a place fondly known as Hunky Dory. And by "family vacation" I mean my immediate family and Mark's extended family on both his mom AND dad's side. Naturally, Lucas was loving the surplus of attention from Grandmas, Grandpas, Great-grandmas, a great-grandpa, aunts, an uncle, great aunts, great uncles, second cousins and family friends. He also got to spend some quality time with his second cousin who shares the exact same birthday as him. It was a great week. A bit chilly a few of the days, but great.

Lucas' first time in a lake. As we expected, he loved it.


A day in Stillwater, MN spent with the sissy, the sissy, mama, and hubby.

Lucas ringing the bell for dinner...yes, there's a bell for meals. I'm telling you, this place is magical.

This is Lucas' second cousin Hannah, whom he happens to share his birthday with. The newfound friendship was going great...until they discovered that they are mortal rivals (note sweatshirts). It was tough for them to accept.


An evening by the campfire.


Mark's immediate and extended family on his dad's side. They're a lively bunch:)


Four generations:)

So after posting a favorite dance from last week, I now feel a responsibility to YOU to expose more of the greatness of SYTYCD.

This one is powerful, emotional and awesome. The actual dance doesn't start till about a minute in, but the beginning shares the inspiration for the choreography.

FAVORITE DANCE OF THE WEEK

Today we had fun with our friends Miss Katie and Miss Sofia. In the event that they were to get married someday, all the pictures we've taken of the two of them so far will come in really handy.

What does it mean to be a little more true to yourself today?

Does it mean creating something that only you could create?

Does it mean letting go of a grudge?

Does it mean asking for forgiveness?

Does it mean stopping the unkind thoughts about a particular body part?

Does it mean letting go of clutter in a space? In your mind? In your heart?

Does it mean going on a search for beauty? adventure? mystery?

Does it mean finally being honest with yourself? or someone else?

This journey towards wholeness requires a great deal more honesty than any would dare to imagine. So dare. Dare to stop hiding behind the hurt, the anger, the fear, the boredom, the expected. Dare to walk towards the truth of who you are. Who you really are.

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."

C.S. Lewis

The little boy suffered his first official baby bonk today. It was a fight between him and a kitchen table leg. I admire him for even getting in the ring. Poor little bug:(

Foster Kids update

Well, to update my previous post on Illinois' social services budget, a Court Order was made public that stated that funds could not be cut for foster children. It was literally ilegal. Essentially the idea is that, legally, the state of Illinois is these children's guardian and thus has the responsibility to care for these children's needs. So, the final budget has not been determined but it has been confirmed that funding will continue in all previous areas for foster kids. Good good news.

Doing this little blogging explosion has caused me to look back on some of my early posts. Its fun to read them and remember the thoughts and emotions that I was experiencing at the time. I remember the insecurity of starting a blog, wondering if people would read and sitting on the couch with Mark brainstorming ideas for the title. I remember the utter excitement and anticipation as we were getting ready to move to Denver. I remember the shock, fear and joy like I had never known when we found out we were pregnant. I remember where I was when I had the inspiration for a particular post or what the weather was like. Its fun:)

Its also been so interesting to witness my personal growth from reading earlier posts. As I was reading a couple of the posts I kept flinching reading the unkind words I wrote about myself. I had always been one quick to self-depricate. I felt the need to emphasize what a screw up I was. I felt like God wanted me to acknowledge what a mess up I was. I thought he was pleased over me lamenting my short-comings, my faults and my ugliness. It is a lesson that has been difficult but life-changing for me to learn. Thanks to a mentor in Denver and other interventions, I learned how to be more gentle with myself. I learned that procrastinating and wasting times sometimes doesn't mean I AM unproductive. I learned that even though there are times that I act irresponsibly, it doesn't mean I AM irresponsible. I learned that though I say careless things at times, it doesn't mean I AM careless. When I learned of the depth of my brokeness, it made the moments of mess-up a little less shocking and a little less monumental. I think (and hope) knowing the Lindsey today vs. the Lindsey of several years ago, you will find a Lindsey who is kinder in her words and thoughts towards herself.

Now, I'll admit all that I just wrote as if I have fully accomplished this way of viewing and loving myself. I haven't. In fact, the motivation of this post comes from waking up this morning and feeling a little crappy about myself for various reasons. But again I remind myself: Be gentle self. You are learning and growing. And God's grace and love are deeper than you could ever begin to imagine. Yes, you do things that are flawed and fall short but that is not who you are. It is never who you are. No need to depricate yourself. God loves you. And the truth in that statement, you will never truly know the depth and breadth.

Josiah and Lucas' 1st 4th:)

This is Lucas' good buddy Josiah. There were so many kodak moments today. Thanks to Rebekah (Josiah's mama and my friend:) for capturing a few! As you can see, they were a patriotic duo...

Now its no secret to most that I am a huge fan of the TV show "So You Think You Can Dance". Dance gives the viewer the permission to feel. I am allowed to enter into the beauty and intrigue of the music, the steps, the lighting, the costuming and the story. I believe that dance, like visual art, meets you where you are. It does not tell you what you are supposed to feel or think. It presents you with its art and allows you to explore.

So, yes, I love the show. For more reasons than those. Those reasons include its pretty, it makes me happy, Cat always looks cute, Mary Murphy's obnoxiousness has grown on me, in another life (with a different body) I was a dancer, and I get to meet new friends in the dancers...granted one-sided friendships but friends none-the-less. Usually I am a huge fan of the conteporary pieces. Mia Michaels, though harsh with the contestants at times, is an amazing choreographer. And I totally love the quirkyness and freshness of Sonya's choreography.

Thus, I was surprised when I witnessed my favorite dance of the season yesterday and it was--who would have guessed it--Hip Hop! Oh man, but it was sweet. Here it is for your viewing pleasure. I think the actual dance starts at around 2 min. 30 sec. You won't regret it...

BEST DANCE OF THE SEASON

"foster kids are our kids"

I went back to work today after a lovely extended weekend enjoying my dad's visit. Timbo heading back to Georgia equaled me heading back to work.

I had been hearing threats of budget cuts for Illinois' social services over the past month or so. In my life experience, threats rarely turn into reality so I didn't think too much about it. But with Illinois' new fiscal year starting today, the threats and talk turned into action. Some of those actions included cutting all reimbursements for daycare for foster children as well as no longer paying for counseling for these children and their parents. That means that foster parents are now expected to foot the bill for day care expenses. This is not possible for many families, meaning they are forced to give up children that may have at last found a stable home. These budget cuts also mean that these children (and their parents) who have experienced some extent of abuse and/or neglect are no longer given the opportunity to receive the help they so desparately need. I dare you to just begin to contemplate the far-reaching effects of these decisions. There is also talk of cutting foster parents' already meager monthly reimbursements by another 10-75%.

I don't claim to understand the inner-workings of Illinois' State Budget. However, I am able to recognize a total travesty when I hear it. Some who have been working in social services longer than myself, assure me that these budget cuts will be addressed and reversed shortly. Others are not as confident. It is shocking to me that my state has chosen to affect its children in such a tragic and seemingly heartless way. We are not talking about a controversial topic that splits the Left and the Right. We are talking about the well-being of the lives and futures of our children.

I don't really have in mind a resolution for this post. I guess I'm just asking for anyone reading this to please pray for our state and the legislators making these decisions concerning the budget. The decisions they're making affects the futures of over 16,000 children. I have no doubt that there are difficult decisions to be made. And they are in need of wisdom greater than their own in making these decisions.

A blog deferment

I SO don't feel like blogging today so I'm going to defer to someone else's blog.

"Can you do that?" you ask.

"Yes" I answer.

The writer of the blog I'm deferring to doesn't even know I exist. Its kind of a blog-crush really. Do you have any of those? I first discovered this inspiring woman and her beautiful family when I was reading the comments on Laura Van Ryn's parents' blog. The woman shared with Laura's parents that she understood the pain of losing a child. It made me curious of her story. After looking over her blog that day and reading through her tragic and inspiring story, I found myself revisiting her blog day after day to see what she had been up to or what she had to say. Its been three years now and I still find myself seeing what Jody Ferlaak has to say from time to time.

So, allow me to grace you with her daily life and story via her blog. For today, enjoy a post or two from Nitty Gritty. If you have a little more time, read her story entitled "Losing Teagen-A Story of Tragedy, Forgiveness & Hope".

Who knows, maybe after writing this blog I'll conjure up the courage to introduce myself...

More fun with Grandpa Tim

Today we hit up the Shedd Aquarium. Loved those dolphins and balugas...

dogs and babies

My dad's dog, Duchess, has been around here for the past few days. During that time I have been struck by how many similarities there are between Duchess and Lucas:

*They both drool excessively

*The both get attention from others when out in public (although I was shocked--and somewhat perturbed to discover that Duchess got far more attention than Lucas at the French Market).

*They both get the word "No!" yelled at them on a regular basis.

They both induce the same sort of dorky baby talk from all of their admirers.

They are both fun to cuddle.

They both respond to their name and a handful of other words.

They both spend the whole of their existence sleeping and playing.

Both can be taken outside and played with for entertainment.

There are however some significant differences. These are items that one also may want to take into account in determining which species is right for them at their current stage of life:

*Sadly, if Duchess is lucky she will see 15 years of age. Lucas' life expectancy is a bit longer.

*When Duchess was 8 mos. old, she was walking, running, swimming, playing fetch and feeding herself. Lucas has done none of these things consistently nor successfully.

*Duchesses shots average about $100 a year plus the cost of food. The average college tuition in the 2008-2009 school year was $15,864.

Just a few observations over the past couple of days.

the helmet

With any goal there are obstacles that get in one's way which he/she must overcome. Some of the obstacles I have been forced to overcome thus far include uncooperative internet and good old fashion laziness. You are probably getting a better feel for how New Years resolutions tend to work out for me. But hey, despite a few set backs, I continue forward...

It has been great having my dad in town. Despite going 6 months to a year between visits, we always seem to pick up right where we left off. Here are a few photos from today's bike ride. Lucas' first ride ever! He loved it, especially the helmet...oh wait that was me who loved the helmet:)

Are you kidding me? As if his head wasn't large enough in proportion to his body. The similarities are uncanny:

Dad is always a good time:)

A little quality Grandpa/Lucas time.

And one more just for kicks.

Low and High

One of the summers I worked at Springhill Camp, the staff had this tradition of going around the table at dinner and sharing their "low point" and their "high point" for the day. It was a chance to vent about the annoying and express gratefulness for the good. So...

Today's low: Trying to unload a grocery cart at the checkout of a busy Walmart while holding a cranky baby who refuses to let me put him down but also insists on weighing 24 lbs and being ridiculously squirmy.

Today's high: Enjoying a delightfully cool evening in the backyard with my dad (he just got in town this afternoon), Mark, Lucas and Duchess (dad's black lab)--while watching the last two mentioned individuals get acquainted:) I think they're buddies now.

a question for you

For a few months now I have been reading about and researching a bit about eating organically--or "ethically" as the strong proponents call it. I'm pretty convinced of the benefits (although the 20 oz. diet coke I just downed might suggest differently). So with this topic in mind, I wanted to pick your brain with a question:

Do you think it is possible (and practical) to eat organically AND affordably? If yes, how??? If no, which do you think should be the priority--organic eating or thrifty grocery shopping and why?

I know many of you have been contemplating some similar issues and I'd love to hear your thoughts/suggestions/ideas.

Dallas, feel free to ask the experts...

Well, today is the first day in my little 30 day challenge in which I am struggling for inspiration to blog. So what was my first move? What any modern-day, internet-savvy individual would do. Naturally, I googled "topics to blog about". This took me to "24 Things to Do When Stuck for a Topic to Blog About"

I'll admit that this is a pretty common (and extremely lazy) method that I have chosen when I find myself tired of thinking. I kid you not, I have googled things like "What should I get Marky for our first Valentine's Day?" "What should I name my son?" "I think my baby is crying too much. How do I make him stop?" and "How do I help my client with Schizoaffective Disorder?"

Scary huh?

While Google may not be the proper venue through which to find that perfect gift for a new boyfriend or to create a treatment plan for a client, it has assisted in this blog.

And so for that, I thank you Google in all your colorful and holiday-themed glory. You have brought me one day closer to my goal.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll even have the energy to try one of the suggestions of things to do when stuck for a topic. But then again, just maybe the inspiration will return...

beautiful boy

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
' Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Finding Summer

I don't remember who wrote it or where I read it, but it stuck with me...This woman was sharing how when summer begins to show itself, she will wake up on a Saturday morning and declare to her husband, "Let's go find summer today." Despite my Scandinavian roots, I'm not a big fan of the cold. When I'm outside and its cold, its like someone made the record skip. All that's running through my head is "Its cold--Its cold--Its cold."
Someone declares, "Just look at those mountains!"
Outwardly I delcare, "beautiful!!"
but inwardly: "Its cold."
"Isn't this fresh air amazing?"
Outwardly: "Amazing."
Inwardly, the record continues: "Its cold."

And then comes summer, with its easy skirt, t-shirt and flip-flop dressing, its lazy sunny afternoons outside, its sun-kissed shoulders, its farmers markets filled with fresh produce, its bike rides, its lakes and pools and so much more. Now the thing is, its not always easy to find summer. Especially when summer vacations are a thing of the past.

This past weekend, Mark and I drove up to Door County for a little "us time" to celebrate 4 years together as hubby and wife. I am happy to say, we found summer. A hike along the bluffs, standing ankle-deep in the water and letting the waves lap against our legs, laying in the sand, ice cream along the lake, wine-tasting, dinner outside watching the sunset. Yes, we found summer. It was great to see that old and faithful friend.

Here's the proof:

4 years

revival and diversity

I begin this post with two precursors: 1) I fully and whole-heartedly believe Jesus when He said that He is the way, the truth and the life. 2) I am utterly and totally grateful for the culture I grew up in...ok, with those things in mind, you can keep reading:)


I was praying with a group of people a while back and found myself flinching when someone started praying for revival for their city. I found this a strange reaction for me to have. What is it about the term "revival" that caused something inside of me to feel so unsettled?

I thought about what "revival" means to me. Sadly, the first vision that comes to mind is a beautiful Indian woman replacing her colorful traditional clothing and shimmering jewelry for jeans and a Christian t-shirt. Obviously this is no where near the essence of revival but its honestly where my mind went.

When I think about revival, I don't envision transformation, I envision conformation. I envision an expectation that everyone become as close to a white, middle-class evangelical as possible. I envision conforming to a culture where you are expected to know phrases and acronyms like "BSF", "EV Free", "Contemporary Service", "Prayer of Jabez" and "popcorn prayer".

I am so grateful for the beautiful cultures and the diversity that fill this world. I love seeing various forms of magnificent and unique clothing. I love tasting foods that reveal flavors you never knew existed. I love the ornateness of a Hindu temple. I love the mystery of a woman covered in tattoos. And the sultry moves of a latino couple dancing. The amazing diversity in this world is such a testament to me of God's grandness and his utter creativity.

Revival does not mean conformation to any one specific culture. If it did, I believe that God would want nothing to do with it. Rather, revival equals transformation. It equals Christ entering into each beautiful and unique culture and redeeming it in a respectful and powerful way. Now that's something I can most definitely get behind. And with that vision in mind, I pray for revival.

Evidence

You ask for evidence watson, you get evidence.
Note the date in the left hand corner. That makes it legit.

I work for DCFS

I work for DCFS.

For many, that conjures up all sorts of negative images. There’s the stories of the mom who spanks her kid in the grocery store and DCFS comes to investigate. Or on the other extreme, there are the stories of children experiencing abuse but its not “bad enough” or there are no visible marks so the kids stay in their abusive homes. Then there’s the foster mom who takes in eight kids just for the cash. When you hear “DCFS”, you might envision over-worked, under-paid, burnt out workers who just don’t care anymore. Tragically there is some truth to all of these stereotypes.

However, as I’m becoming more acquainted with the system, I am enthralled with the “ideal”. In a perfect world and a perfect system, the intentions of DCFS are beautiful, good, and dare-I-say-it, Christ-like. The big word in child welfare in Illinois is “reunification”. The goal of child welfare is to take the child out of the home for as short a period of time as possible so mom and/or dad can get their stuff together and then parent and child can be “reunified”.

There are lots of beautiful words out there and I would like to add that one to the list. Christ is all about reunification. Christ experienced suffering and death so that we might be reunified to the Father. And as we walk through this life, we become closer to reunification with who we were before the fall of humankind. Unification is at the center of God’s heart. He is in unity with the three persons within himself and longs for this oneness for and with us. For our marriages, our relationships, our cities, our churches, our world. There was a time, a short time, when unity was the way of life. And all of history has been a journey back to that place, back to reunification.

In its perfect state, “the system” has such potential. It is intended to care for and protect children and to provide families to come along side and assist in the redemption of other families, using the tools of kindness and dignity. I’m not sure where along the line things got screwed up. But I am here to say that the system works. Not in its fullness or all of the time. But in individual families and individual lives, redemption and reunification are happening. And I am convinced that if His spirit and heart is present in DCFS, He is weaving His goodness and hope into all of the broken systems of the world.

a happy father's day

This past Saturday we celebrated an early Father's Day in the city since we'll be out of town next weekend. We ended up also getting to spend the day with Dallas, Callie and Jon. It ended up being a pretty great day.


Lucas hanging out with the big kids at the Children's Museum at Navy Pier.


Callie and Lucas making very cute bugs.


Jon and Lucas chillin' on the couch...note also that this photo was taken PRE-Callie and I beating Mark and Jon at two games in a row of Sequence. You can tell by his hopeful smile.


Mom and Lucas at Goose Island Brew Pub. I dare you to find another 8 mos. old who has been to as many breweries and brew pubs as this guy.


Its hard to tell in this photo, but dad and Lucas are sporting coordinating father's day t-shirts.


It has been an absolute pleasure watching Mark grow into this new role of "dad". He is a completely loving, quirky, sensitive and kind dad. Happy Father's Day Hubby!
We love you.

I'd like to use a lifeline

So in my effort towards 30 posts, I have decided to provide myself with 2 "lifelines" for days that I just can't get around to posting (like yesterday).

#1 The first lifeline is "the pill" lifeline. If you've ever been on "the pill" and missed a day, they just tell you to double up the next day. I will be doing the same.

#2 The second lifeline is "the snow day" lifeline. Remember when you were in grade school and found out that you had to have an extra day of school at the end of the year because of a snow day earlier in the year? Yep, same idea.

In regards to my missing post yesterday, I'd like to use lifeline #2.

Thanks.

Yes, I laid in bed thinking about this last night.

mommy low point

So, last Monday I had one of those moments where I had to repeat to myself "I'm not a terrible mother" over and over again. But it wasn't working.

So let me paint the picture. Its 7:56am on a Monday morning. I was supposed to have left by 7:30am. But since I never set an alarm anymore (thanks to "the lucas alarm") and Lucas decided to sleep in until 7:30am today, I was extremely extremely late. Granted, not the first time I've been late, but that subject is for another post. So I've got Lucas, I've got my coffee, purse, file thingy for work, lunch, and I'm off down the road. Frick! Cellphone. I turn the car around. Pull into the driveway. Throw it into park. Run into the house. Grab the phone. Run back out.

Oh my gosh, the car is locked.

Yes, with Lucas still inside. I ran in frantic. "Mark! I locked Lucas in the car!" My first thought was to determine which window to break. But as we assessed the situation further, we determined that Lucas was in no immediate danger so we decided to call our road-side-assistance people instead (although I did make a mental note of which window I would break if ever needed in the future). I was a little stressed at first but Lucas thought it was a fun game as we popped in and out of sight at the window next to him. But after a while, the laughter turned into a fuss, which quickly turned into hysterical crying. I am pretty sure that the neighbors passing by could deduct exactly what was going on as they witness these two frantic parents jumping around, holding stuffed animals and toys up to the window of a running car.

So, as Lucas became more hysterical, so did I. It was unbearable really, watching him cry and look at me with these helpless eyes. And i could do nothing for him.

Well, alas, after an hour of waiting (why it took an entire hour is a story I will not go into), Lucas was rescued by a very nice man from Sycamore with two children of his own. He assured us that this happens to everyone.

Sure, we'll go with that.

So, there you go. Let Lucas' list of reasons for needing therapy when he's 30 begin.

Sorry little bug:(

Three weekends ago our friends Jon and Callie were here. At the time, Lucas was what I called "a strategic roller". He would see where he wanted to go and then pivot himself and roll until he got there. All the while making adjustments in his angles along the way. Quite impressive. Well, we were all watching him and saying, "In just a few weeks I bet he'll be crawling."

Well, now, not only is he crawling, he's also pulling himself up to standing and carefully walking around the furniture. His favorite place in the house to be now is 2" from the TV screen. Preferrably with the TV on. Don't worry all you moms out there, we quickly direct him elsewhere.

It is simply unbelievable how quickly these little people change.



This is what I was greeted with when I came into his room this morning. i will admit that it takes a little bit of the sting out of being drug out of bed well before I'm ready.

Day 1

I love to write. I feel most connected with myself when I'm writing. The things that are important to me become important again. And the things that are unimportant to me go back to being unimportant. Because of this, I have decided to blog everyday for the next 30 days. So today through July 9th. Most days' posts will probably be as boring as dirt but the goals are documentation and cultivation. Documenting more of our life and cultivating growth in something I enjoy doing.

a belated happy mother's day:)

I had no idea how much Mother's Day would mean to me this year. I've only been in the business now for a little over seven months but it has changed me in ways that I could not begin to explain. In many ways, I'm the same old Lindsey: I like my naps, get major kicks out of great conversations, and have this thing for "So You Think You Can Dance".

But in so many ways, I will never be the same. I think the most profound change is this deep and ever-present vulnerability now in my life. The love is different with a spouse than with a child. I don't feel responsible for Mark's safety, growth and well-being. But with Lucas, I'm just so vulnerable. When watching the news and hearing of someone who was killed or hurt, I immediately begin wondering where that person's mother is and what she is feeling right now. I believe that one of the blessings and curses of motherhood is that every mom, forever has this place of utter and total weakness inside of her. Its like Superman's kryptonite. When it comes to my Lucas, I'm weak. Please don't mess with my son. Because if you do, I feel like my heart just might break into a hundred pieces.

Mother's Day was nice. I have never been one of those people who reminds her friends that her birthday is in another week, or wears the "Its my Birthday" pin. I tend to take the more under-stated approach. But when it came to Mother's Day, I felt fully accepting of the celebration:) I mean over the last year I have carried a frickin' huge child in my uterus, birthed that same frickin' huge child, gone months without more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, been peed on, pooped on, and thrown up on; and somehow come out of the whole thing thinking "yeah, I'd do this again". And the truth of it is, I'm sure-as-heck not the only one. Every mom out there represents a woman filled with sleepless nights and a love that reaches a depth that can bring her to her knees. I feel the need to say however, I don't pretend to have experienced all that there is to experience in motherhood. I've just barely gotten out of the gates of this lifelong journey.

So to all you moms out there, keep up the good work. You deserve a whole heck of a lot of celebration.

And to the rest of you, maybe take a sec today (and tomorrow too) to celebrate the woman who has played the role of mother in your life. She sure does love you a lot.

Here are some photos that we took at the park on Mother's Day.


If you're wondering what pure joy looks like, put a baby in a baby swing and push...





sleepy boy after a long day