the first day of the rest of my life

For reasons unknown to me, today was the first day that I can think of that I wasn't waiting for my life to start.

You know how it seems that with every stage of life, you're anticipating the next? I think the first time I remember feeling this was as a 6th grader venturing into the Jr. High wing of my school. There, the girls wore make-up, fixed their hair, played on sports teams, showered in the locker room, and went to the 7th/8th grade banquet. THAT was when life was going to begin. I couldn't wait. But after being there a few weeks I discovered I was still as insecure as I was 3 months ago and even with the make-up I wasn't getting the attention from boys I was hoping for. So I determined that it was high school that I needed...that was the ticket. I walked into high school my first day and my life felt like it officially began...for about three seconds, until I saw my first upper-classman and felt about 7 years old again. That's what I needed to wait for, the official "upper-classman" title...no wait...Senior Year...wait, or is it College? Hmmm, no, once I graduate and get a job, THEN my life will finally begin...oh nope, its marriage...hmmm, marriage? no maybe grad school, that sounds pretty grown up. But then again I'm in class writing papers again. I bet a baby would do it, THAT would probably allow my life to begin. Nope, turns out it just allows the baby's life to begin. dang. No, once I graduate and have a job within my field or maybe once Mark's graduated and we have a real income or have bought a house or have multiple kids. That sounds really freaking grown up.

Well, we still have only one kid, I'm still finishing school, Mark's not even close to being done, and we're broke.

But for some reason, today, and maybe just for today, I felt like I was allowed to live my life and didn't need to wait for it to start. Maybe it was waking up and going through the same routine that I've been going through for the past several months, or perhaps it was getting in my car and seeing a carseat in the backseat...WITH a baby in it...and not just any baby, MY BABY! Or maybe it was because of sitting in a supervision session with a bunch of professionals in the counseling field (I am way out of my league there).

But I don't know that it was any of these things as much as it was allowing myself a moment to stop, breath, and be totally and utterly grateful for exactly where I am and who I'm with. Yes, of course I'm talking about Mark and Lucas but I'm also talking about the handful or so of friendships that have stood the test of time and I can confidently and with peace saturating my heart, say, we will truly be friends for the rest of our lives in this world and the next. I feel blessed today. I feel grateful. Tomorrow is so uncertain and that uncertainy is never going to go away. And I think I'm coming to grips with the truth that--that uncertainty is ok. And being ok allows me the freedom to live exactly the life set before me. right now. today.