a zen experience

So as the day draws nearer the anticipation gets...well...weirder and weirder. I'm considering injecting Ritalin directly into the umbilical cord because this guy loves to party. Any time of day will do. He's a big fan (or hates) action movies. But I'm fairly certain that his jumping jacks and summersaults during "The Dark Knight" were a sign of his superior movie taste. The new game is not just "feel the baby move" its "figure out which body part is protruding out of my abdomen this time". My only warning when playing this game is look out for that soft spot! So with all the movement and growing going on I just want him to get here (minus the fact that I am currently baby equipment-less). But then there's like this impending dark knowledge of the phrase that causes my knees to weaken and my mouth to go dry: Child birth. Here are just a few of the things that I have been told or read about the blessed event:

*"Giving birth requires as much physical energy and stamina as running a marathon"...perfect.
*"Oh honey, just get the epidural and save yourself the misery."...thank you.
*"Some women experience a great deal of pain as the baby's body scrapes against her pubic bone."...now that puts nails on a chalk board to shame.
*"I had every intention of going natural until I heard a blood curdling scream from the room next to me. It was the sound of a person that knew they were dying." oh-my-gosh.



I've had a total of zero birthing classes at this point in my existence and thus find myself attempting to breathe with the mothers-to-be while watching movies like "Knocked Up" and "Baby Mama". Is it he he hoo? Or hoo hoo he? Frick. Not to worry right? Birthing 101 starts Aug 2nd and goes thru Aug 26th. So, little man, if you can hear me, don't even THINK about coming before then.

Thanks to celebritynewsgossip.com, I have a new inspiration for my birthing experience!! Here's what Jessica Alba had to say about her recent delivery of Honor Marie:

***Jessica Alba compares childbirth to meditation. Actress Jessica Alba who recently gave birth to daughter Honor Marie Warren on June 7, 2008, said it was like meditating because it was a quiet, peaceful experience for her. I'm guessing plenty of mothers would disagree with that statement. "I didn’t scream. It was really like Zen. The labor was more like meditation," Jessica tells OK! "I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I ate a lot of soul food before she was born."
Jessica Alaba, 27, who married Cash Warren in Los Angeles, California on Monday, May 19, 2008, was completely composed her husband said.
"She didn't make a sound. [during the delivery] It was amazing," he gushed.***


Wow, I love how they really think they're fooling someone. Are you freaking kidding me!?!? Well congratulations to you Jessica, and your Zen experience. I have no doubt that the next 18 years will be equally as meditative and peaceful for you.