To Those Who Didn't Believe America was crazy

With having so many friends involved internationally I've heard the insanity that exists in other countries. Whether it's two dozen time tables and fees required to get out of the country, or the absolute lack licensing laws for doctors and other professionals. Let this story be a testimony to the insanity that exists inside the state of the Union known as Colorado.

To obtain a driver's license. By Mark Meyers

It all started when for the first time in my entire life I permanently lost my wallet. It was at that fateful moment I lost my Illinois driver's license that would lead me down an indescribable path. A path of anger, pain, parents, humor and lots of money and time.

So after driving for a month without any license I decided it would be prudent to get a new one in case, God forbid, I was ever pulled over (plus I wanted to get a part-time job as a shuttle bus driver). So I did my research on the internet. What I found was that I needed my home state driving record. This led me the Illinois Secretary of State's website. I mailed in my signed request along with a $12 check.... and I waited.

$12

3 weeks later it arrives in the mail. "Typical for bureaucracy", I thought. I waited another week. I left early for work on Tuesday morning, pulled a number and waited. Once called up I turned over all relevant documents. After examining the driving record she pointed out to me that the record needed to be generated within 30 days. The record was printed 1/20/07 and the day was 2/23/07. I was 3 bloody days late! I needed a new one. They simply would not budge on this issue.

After calling the Illinois secretary of state's office I discovered a parent could get a driving record at an actual DMV site. My dad paid the appropriate fees, $12, and faxed to me.

$12+$12

I walked in Wednesday morning, pulled my number and waited. My number was called called, showed them my documents and was then informed that faxes are unacceptable. They needed the original. "You mean the original printed from the printer from 1988?! The 'original' that I could have typed up Word?!"
"Yes that one", they replied. Well a quick phone call to my dad and I had it priority mailed to me.

$4.05+$12+$12

Monday morning, fully armed and ready. "Suck it Colorado"... so I thought. I walked in and took my number and went through the well ingrained ritual. I showed them my documents.
"Wait, what's this? Is this birth certificate authentic."
"Well, it's the one used to get my social security card and passport. Plus the multi-colored stamp that says 'This multi-color stamp authenticates this birth certificate. Any birth certificate without a colored stamp is a copy'. So I would say that it's authentic."

::wait 2 minutes::

"This is a city birth certificate."
"Yeah, so."
"Well Colorado requires state or county certificate. Any city clerk could have signed off on this. This authentic birth certificate that was used to obtain your social security card and passport is invalid!"
"This was the one I was born with. Where else am I going to get one?!"
So after discussing the logistics of it with her and having my mom do some research with a social worker, my mom went to a Cook county court house, paid the appropriate fees and priority mailed it to me.

$4.05+$13+$4.05+$12+$12

Today: I walked in victoriously knowing that nothing can stand in my way between me and my licenses. I eagerly pulled a number and couldn't wait to shove all the documents in their faces and tell them "suck it" because I was getting my license. My number was called and I did just what I pictured, shoved the documents in their faces and told to "suck it". The man behind the desk had no choice but to give me the vision test and then my license. I stick my head in the machine and was told, "Read the first line"
"ZRHTP OECDQ"
"Ah sir, there are 15 letters"
"What do you mean?! There are only two columns of letters, the left column is just a column of dull yellow."
"No son, there's a whole column of letters on the left-hand side"
Convinced he was lying I pulled my head out and stuck it back in and focused like I've never focused before. I focused like I did when I was a little kid trying to catch the sexual innuendos in the Disney movies.
Nothing! Freaking nothing! I kept thinking my eyes would come into focus. So I gave myself five minutes. Still nothing. "FINE YOU WIN!" America's Best here I come, home of the free exam with two glasses for $69.

$69(plus taxes)+$4.05+$13+$4.05+$12+$12

Monday morning I will walk into the Colorado DMV and humble myself before them, cleanse my lips with a burning coal, bring an unblemished slaughtered kid, my corrected vision and the $16 fee and perhaps I will be deemed worthy enough for a Colorado license.

$16+$69(plus taxes)+$4.05+$13+$4.05+$12+$12= One legal driver and the new part-time shuttle bus drive for the Children's Hospital!