Doing this little blogging explosion has caused me to look back on some of my early posts. Its fun to read them and remember the thoughts and emotions that I was experiencing at the time. I remember the insecurity of starting a blog, wondering if people would read and sitting on the couch with Mark brainstorming ideas for the title. I remember the utter excitement and anticipation as we were getting ready to move to Denver. I remember the shock, fear and joy like I had never known when we found out we were pregnant. I remember where I was when I had the inspiration for a particular post or what the weather was like. Its fun:)

Its also been so interesting to witness my personal growth from reading earlier posts. As I was reading a couple of the posts I kept flinching reading the unkind words I wrote about myself. I had always been one quick to self-depricate. I felt the need to emphasize what a screw up I was. I felt like God wanted me to acknowledge what a mess up I was. I thought he was pleased over me lamenting my short-comings, my faults and my ugliness. It is a lesson that has been difficult but life-changing for me to learn. Thanks to a mentor in Denver and other interventions, I learned how to be more gentle with myself. I learned that procrastinating and wasting times sometimes doesn't mean I AM unproductive. I learned that even though there are times that I act irresponsibly, it doesn't mean I AM irresponsible. I learned that though I say careless things at times, it doesn't mean I AM careless. When I learned of the depth of my brokeness, it made the moments of mess-up a little less shocking and a little less monumental. I think (and hope) knowing the Lindsey today vs. the Lindsey of several years ago, you will find a Lindsey who is kinder in her words and thoughts towards herself.

Now, I'll admit all that I just wrote as if I have fully accomplished this way of viewing and loving myself. I haven't. In fact, the motivation of this post comes from waking up this morning and feeling a little crappy about myself for various reasons. But again I remind myself: Be gentle self. You are learning and growing. And God's grace and love are deeper than you could ever begin to imagine. Yes, you do things that are flawed and fall short but that is not who you are. It is never who you are. No need to depricate yourself. God loves you. And the truth in that statement, you will never truly know the depth and breadth.