a belated happy mother's day:)

I had no idea how much Mother's Day would mean to me this year. I've only been in the business now for a little over seven months but it has changed me in ways that I could not begin to explain. In many ways, I'm the same old Lindsey: I like my naps, get major kicks out of great conversations, and have this thing for "So You Think You Can Dance".

But in so many ways, I will never be the same. I think the most profound change is this deep and ever-present vulnerability now in my life. The love is different with a spouse than with a child. I don't feel responsible for Mark's safety, growth and well-being. But with Lucas, I'm just so vulnerable. When watching the news and hearing of someone who was killed or hurt, I immediately begin wondering where that person's mother is and what she is feeling right now. I believe that one of the blessings and curses of motherhood is that every mom, forever has this place of utter and total weakness inside of her. Its like Superman's kryptonite. When it comes to my Lucas, I'm weak. Please don't mess with my son. Because if you do, I feel like my heart just might break into a hundred pieces.

Mother's Day was nice. I have never been one of those people who reminds her friends that her birthday is in another week, or wears the "Its my Birthday" pin. I tend to take the more under-stated approach. But when it came to Mother's Day, I felt fully accepting of the celebration:) I mean over the last year I have carried a frickin' huge child in my uterus, birthed that same frickin' huge child, gone months without more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, been peed on, pooped on, and thrown up on; and somehow come out of the whole thing thinking "yeah, I'd do this again". And the truth of it is, I'm sure-as-heck not the only one. Every mom out there represents a woman filled with sleepless nights and a love that reaches a depth that can bring her to her knees. I feel the need to say however, I don't pretend to have experienced all that there is to experience in motherhood. I've just barely gotten out of the gates of this lifelong journey.

So to all you moms out there, keep up the good work. You deserve a whole heck of a lot of celebration.

And to the rest of you, maybe take a sec today (and tomorrow too) to celebrate the woman who has played the role of mother in your life. She sure does love you a lot.

Here are some photos that we took at the park on Mother's Day.


If you're wondering what pure joy looks like, put a baby in a baby swing and push...





sleepy boy after a long day

the first day of the rest of my life

For reasons unknown to me, today was the first day that I can think of that I wasn't waiting for my life to start.

You know how it seems that with every stage of life, you're anticipating the next? I think the first time I remember feeling this was as a 6th grader venturing into the Jr. High wing of my school. There, the girls wore make-up, fixed their hair, played on sports teams, showered in the locker room, and went to the 7th/8th grade banquet. THAT was when life was going to begin. I couldn't wait. But after being there a few weeks I discovered I was still as insecure as I was 3 months ago and even with the make-up I wasn't getting the attention from boys I was hoping for. So I determined that it was high school that I needed...that was the ticket. I walked into high school my first day and my life felt like it officially began...for about three seconds, until I saw my first upper-classman and felt about 7 years old again. That's what I needed to wait for, the official "upper-classman" title...no wait...Senior Year...wait, or is it College? Hmmm, no, once I graduate and get a job, THEN my life will finally begin...oh nope, its marriage...hmmm, marriage? no maybe grad school, that sounds pretty grown up. But then again I'm in class writing papers again. I bet a baby would do it, THAT would probably allow my life to begin. Nope, turns out it just allows the baby's life to begin. dang. No, once I graduate and have a job within my field or maybe once Mark's graduated and we have a real income or have bought a house or have multiple kids. That sounds really freaking grown up.

Well, we still have only one kid, I'm still finishing school, Mark's not even close to being done, and we're broke.

But for some reason, today, and maybe just for today, I felt like I was allowed to live my life and didn't need to wait for it to start. Maybe it was waking up and going through the same routine that I've been going through for the past several months, or perhaps it was getting in my car and seeing a carseat in the backseat...WITH a baby in it...and not just any baby, MY BABY! Or maybe it was because of sitting in a supervision session with a bunch of professionals in the counseling field (I am way out of my league there).

But I don't know that it was any of these things as much as it was allowing myself a moment to stop, breath, and be totally and utterly grateful for exactly where I am and who I'm with. Yes, of course I'm talking about Mark and Lucas but I'm also talking about the handful or so of friendships that have stood the test of time and I can confidently and with peace saturating my heart, say, we will truly be friends for the rest of our lives in this world and the next. I feel blessed today. I feel grateful. Tomorrow is so uncertain and that uncertainy is never going to go away. And I think I'm coming to grips with the truth that--that uncertainty is ok. And being ok allows me the freedom to live exactly the life set before me. right now. today.

winter in the country

Three activities consume my days as of late:

*Taking care of and loving on Lucas
*My new job at ECFA
*Getting to and from my new job at ECFA

Traveling in rural Illinois in the winter is a masochistic activity like I have never known. As a child I used to love pumping my fist at truckers as they passed by, and listening to the low bellow of the truck horn that would cause the hairs on the back of my neck to rise. These days I find myself wanting to offer the truckers I meet on the road, a different hand gesture.

Allow me to paint a picture: I'm driving along a one lane (each way) rural road listening to Regina Spektor for the 436th time because I keep forgetting to grab a different CD from home. A truck approaches going the opposite direction. Following the truck is a sandstorm of snow that literally reduces visibility to zero for several seconds. I hold my breath, allow my life to flash before my eyes for the fourth time this morning, swear under my breath, wait for the death trap to pass, and continue on my way. All the while slipping and sliding along.

I believe that I owe my current existence to more than just the "Trinity", perhaps more of a "Quadrity" of sorts. There's the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and, of course, four wheel drive. To each of you I am eternally grateful for being alive today. And to the first three, remind me again...why rural Illinois?

savoring

I'm finding that being a parent is this constant dichotomous existence. After every nap he appears changed, older, more alert. I look forward to him sleeping through the night, holding his own bottle, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking, being able to put his pacifier back in his mouth and get potty trained. And yet I pack up the clothes that no longer fit him with a sense of loss. I can't bring myself to move his cradle, which he's already grown out of, out of our room. It represents the end of a season. He no longer fits comfortably on my chest for nap time. He's lost that newborn cry and moved on to the full-bodied baby cry.

Life never stays the same. A day ended is another day never to return. It sounds depressing right? Mark and I just went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". It is primarily a love story. And as life moves backwards for Benjamin and forwards for Daisy, they have a few fleeting years together when they meet in the middle of both of their lives. A constant theme in the movie is "nothing ever stays the same." I wonder why God chose to make life move so quickly? Its interesting how we as humans are always shocked at how quickly a season of life moves. "They grow up so fast." "How did I get to be this old?" These are such frequently used phrases and questions and yet we continue to be surprised. We continue to wonder where the time went as if we thought this maybe this season, time would slow down for us. But alas, it doesn't. In case you think I'm sounding a bit like Solomon of Ecclesiastes, perhaps I am. But this awareness leaves me with only one conclusion.

Savor life.

Cherish it.

Each day for what it is.

For the good and the bad. As the future turns to the present and quickly to the past, love the present most. Regardless of its short life-span. For it is the only sure moment that God has given us.

A break in the silence

Question: Who would have thought that as soon as we had the baby I wouldn't have time or energy to post for the next 2 whole months!?

Answer: Anyone who has ever experienced the joy, adventure, and sleep-deprivation of welcoming a new baby into the world.

Well, as all of you already know, Lucas Alexander has arrived!! He was born on October 20th, 2008, weighing a hearty 9 lbs. 10 oz. and measuring 21.5 inches. He was perfect in every way! Save the floppy ears which fixed themselves after about 12 hours post delivery. The labor and delivery was rough but manageable. Although I can't say I'm ready to jump back on that wagon again anytime too soon.

So there's the quick and easy about the birth part. Since then Lucas has quickly morphed from a sleepy and perfect newborn to a cranky and wide-eyed infant and now to a cooing, active, inquisitive, chunky baby. We are enamored with him!! He has just recently gotten to the age where every single day he does something new and amazing. I hear this stage lasts till their about...oh say 10 y/o.

Things I can tell you about Lucas at this point are he's an extravert, he likes to be held when he sleeps, he loves his jungle play gym--specifically Mr. Giraffe, and he finds his own fist to be just about the coolest thing he's seen this side of the belly.

I could go on and on about how filled with love and awe Mark and I have felt over the past months but it all just seems to be lacking and left wanting. We are in love:)

In addition to Little Lu Lu making his appearance (yes, its a rough nickname that we did not anticipate) we have had lots of visitors eager to meet the newest and coolest Meyers family member. One weekend in November some of my nearest and dearest friends came to visit. They came from all around including IL, MI, KY, CO, and Peru. It was a simply amazing weekend filled with feasting, football, and doting. Thank you again guys. Jon, next time don't forget your fall sweater.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive through visits, meals, phone calls, texts, and gifts over the past months. It has been really fantastic. And its fun to share our excitement over our new little man with all of you.

So, that's all I've got for now. Not profound but a break in the two month silence none-the-less.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!!! As we have watched how Lucas' life has brought a sense of renewal and redemption to our lives over the past year, we are extra thrilled and grateful this Christmas for the redemption another baby brought to every individual in this broken down world throughout all of history. He has brought hope--powerful, life-changing, life-giving HOPE.

in this moment

Well, its the day after my due date. The infamous "4th trimester". I feel like I am living in this inexplicable surreal state outside of the normal space-time continuum. Every moment is filled with this knowledge and anticipation that it could be Mark and my last of life as we have always known it. I saw the Dr. yesterday and if this little guy doesn't come on his own, we're going in to the hospital this coming Monday morning to "encourage" him out--5am. So this time next week, we will be the proud proud (and a bit frazzled) parents of a beautiful baby boy. wow. I am a little giddy and a little scared thinking about all that day and the coming weeks and months will hold. How do I begin to process the emotion, love, pain, and exhaustion like I have never known that is ahead of me?

Any ideas or suggestions of how Mark and I should spend next Sunday (also known as the last day before the first day of the rest of our lives)? Then again, the little man may decide he wants to come this evening and I won't have to answer that question...the anticipation continues...

Thank you for all your prayers and phone calls. It has been seriously amazing. Mark and I have been reminded of God's goodness through the incredible relationships with which He has filled our lives. Just feeling a bit sentimental these days:)

A few statistics from the past week...

1.5
The number of pounds I gained in one week

2
The number of babies a woman in Walmart asked me if I was having

3
The number of episodes of "A Baby Story" I watched today

3
The number of episodes of "A Baby Story" I regretted watching today

4
The number of extremities kicking/punching my ribs and hip bones

5
The number of times I woke up to go to the bathroom last night

13
The number of days until my due date

20
The number of minutes I can comfortably sit in the same seat

hello, goodbye

As I sit in our new home, windows open to a humid cool night, crickets chirping, the slice of the ceiling fan creating a welcome breeze against my constantly overheated body, I am left speechless again; on the brink of such a life changing event. As the baby inside attempts to get comfortable in his tiny cocoon, he reminds me that he is quickly outgrowing his current home, eager to soon be introduced to life on the other side of the womb. That home has been good to him. It has kept him safe, nourished, warm and cared for. But he can't stay there. There will be a great loss and an even greater gain as he departs. There is so much more for him than he could even attempt to imagine on the other side.

I am relating recently so much to the sadness and beauty of transition. Here we are in a new home, in a new community, anticipating the care of a new little life. I tearfully say goodbye (again) to living in close proximity to friends who know me, quiet evenings with Mark making a decision on a whim to go out, and mindless Saturday roadtrips. I say goodbye to the time in life when my own well-being and concerns are number one. And goodbye to a sweet, simple and lovely family of two.

But with every goodye there is a hello or two to be had. And so I say hello to a whole new community of people whose worth and value are great enough to inspire Christ's saving grace. I say hello to a life without classes and papers. And I say an especially splendid greeting to an awe-inspiring new life of whom Mark and I have been asked for which to care. "Hello" to a new depth of sacrificial love discovered within my soul that I could not have imagined. I say hello once again to the depth of Christ's kindness as He carries me through this journey allowing me to flourish into more of me than I have ever been before. The future is a bit scary and quite uncertain. But neither Mark, baby, me, or you can stay where we are. We must move forward. Closer to wholeness. Closer to Christ's heart. And so we move.

'tis the season to have a baby

With the freshness of Fall in the air, there's no question about it. I'm having a baby soon. I remember back in February when we first saw that little heart-stopping pink line on the pee stick. After the initial shock-joy-elation-shock-fear-shock, I went online to one of the thousand highly reliable baby websites and checked my due date.

October.

Fall. My favorite season. Fall is infused with memories of the anticipation of going back to school with those great new sweaters and cords, carving pumpkins, intramural football, baking pies, seasonal decorating, lazy sunday afternoons with the dull hum of football announcers in the background. Yes, it was a long summer indeed. With anxiety and worries about jobs, school, finances, and living situation at every turn (and I mean EVERY turn)it is a season that I'm sure I will look back on in 15 years with fond memories of how "we had to look to God for our strength" and "Mark and I had to lean on each other for support." But for the next 14 years and 364 days I think I will just be ranting about how much it sucked. Seriously, it sucked. Minus some good memories made with family that is.

But the summer is over now. My favorite j. crew jacket is out and working miracles once again even with my limited and sad maternity wardrobe. I love that jacket. Pumpkins and halloween candy are being sold at the grocery store. And this year, all these signs mean one thing...its just about time to have a baby. 5 weeks to go. The thought of caring for a human life is both invigorating and utterly and completely terrifying. 'Tis the season. The child birthing classes have been had, the move has been made, my back has been unrelentingly aching and my belly looks like something out of a sci-fi movie. Yep, its just about that time...

Things that weigh 5 lbs.

*A bag of flour

*A full grown chihuahua


*A pair of work boots

*A half gallon of paint

*The largest Bluegill ever recorded


*A 5 lb. dumbell

*Baby Boy Meyers at 32 weeks

a zen experience

So as the day draws nearer the anticipation gets...well...weirder and weirder. I'm considering injecting Ritalin directly into the umbilical cord because this guy loves to party. Any time of day will do. He's a big fan (or hates) action movies. But I'm fairly certain that his jumping jacks and summersaults during "The Dark Knight" were a sign of his superior movie taste. The new game is not just "feel the baby move" its "figure out which body part is protruding out of my abdomen this time". My only warning when playing this game is look out for that soft spot! So with all the movement and growing going on I just want him to get here (minus the fact that I am currently baby equipment-less). But then there's like this impending dark knowledge of the phrase that causes my knees to weaken and my mouth to go dry: Child birth. Here are just a few of the things that I have been told or read about the blessed event:

*"Giving birth requires as much physical energy and stamina as running a marathon"...perfect.
*"Oh honey, just get the epidural and save yourself the misery."...thank you.
*"Some women experience a great deal of pain as the baby's body scrapes against her pubic bone."...now that puts nails on a chalk board to shame.
*"I had every intention of going natural until I heard a blood curdling scream from the room next to me. It was the sound of a person that knew they were dying." oh-my-gosh.



I've had a total of zero birthing classes at this point in my existence and thus find myself attempting to breathe with the mothers-to-be while watching movies like "Knocked Up" and "Baby Mama". Is it he he hoo? Or hoo hoo he? Frick. Not to worry right? Birthing 101 starts Aug 2nd and goes thru Aug 26th. So, little man, if you can hear me, don't even THINK about coming before then.

Thanks to celebritynewsgossip.com, I have a new inspiration for my birthing experience!! Here's what Jessica Alba had to say about her recent delivery of Honor Marie:

***Jessica Alba compares childbirth to meditation. Actress Jessica Alba who recently gave birth to daughter Honor Marie Warren on June 7, 2008, said it was like meditating because it was a quiet, peaceful experience for her. I'm guessing plenty of mothers would disagree with that statement. "I didn’t scream. It was really like Zen. The labor was more like meditation," Jessica tells OK! "I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I ate a lot of soul food before she was born."
Jessica Alaba, 27, who married Cash Warren in Los Angeles, California on Monday, May 19, 2008, was completely composed her husband said.
"She didn't make a sound. [during the delivery] It was amazing," he gushed.***


Wow, I love how they really think they're fooling someone. Are you freaking kidding me!?!? Well congratulations to you Jessica, and your Zen experience. I have no doubt that the next 18 years will be equally as meditative and peaceful for you.

May update

In the words and wit of Barb Watson after seeing this photo: TWINS!!







Did you hear that!? Yep, that was the sound of my belly “popping”. I am officially looking pregnant and, quite frankly, loving it:) It’s the first time since I was about 7 years old that I’m not attempting to “suck in” but rather get a weird sort of pleasure in pushing it out!

The last month has been filled with some sweet growth markers. About three weeks ago I started feeling “quickening”. No, that’s not just a more pleasant word for constipation, it’s the gentle fluttery feeling of the moving baby. They were especially noticeable right before I went to bed at night. As I would lie there in bed hoping for just one more little movement, I couldn’t help but feel this intense and intimate bond with my baby as I realized that we were the only two people in the whole world sharing this experience, through the common vessel of my body.

Well, that was only three weeks ago. And since then, baby has moved from light flutters to bonafide kicks and punches. Its incredible! And what’s so cool about this time is that Mark gets in on the fun too! Baby Ziggy was tossing and turning for Mark the other night. You know how boys are always trying to show off for their dads…oops…that’s right!! It’s a boy!! The reality is that most that read this already knew that, via the modern day phenomenon known as Facebook. But I’ll pretend like someone just found out at this moment. I had a feeling it was gonna be a boy. Mother’s intuition served me well!! The same mother’s intuition that will come through for me when the little guy swears he didn’t eat the last piece of cake or when he insists that he already studied for his math test or when he has no clue where the dent in the bumper of the car came from.

Obviously, we would have been totally thrilled no matter the gender (remember the “just looking for A gender” thing?) but knowing has just made the whole thing that much more…real. Its like he’s no longer just Baby Ziggy. He’s our son. So with finding out the gender the name game has not only begun but is in unharnessed, unbridled forward motion. Being the dweller that I am, I can’t stop thinking about it!! We’ve narrowed it down to a few and we think we’re going to wait till the little man makes his appearance and see what he inspires.

So, to our future little Jacob/Omar/Jonah/David/Juan/Demitri/Nile, keep growing and come soon!! We’re all so excited to meet you!!

No, none of those names are in the running, especially not Omar.

When you come back down

This song has touched my heart at various times in my life for various reasons. As of late, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me. A parent speaking to a child. I pray that I would be granted the courage to grant my children with this loving freedom to pursue their dreams and become who God has created them to be. And nothing less...I envision that this task is the most beautiful and painful that a parent is ever called to fulfill. "When you're soarin' through the air, I'll be your solid ground. Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there when you come back down."

(Click on the post's title to hear the song and see the music video)

When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

[Bridge:]
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

According to an extremely reliable source known as google image, here is a photo of a 15 week old fetus. There's Zigs!! Just to give you an idea.



Well, the new stage of pregnancy entails the small period of time between the depressing “pregnancy chub” and the lovely and much coveted “pregnancy bump”. Its like I no longer feel like I’m just gaining weight in my mid section because its starting to round itself out and take on the vague form of a pregnant belly. But, I’m definitely not at the point where strangers would be coming up and asking me when I’m due. If anyone dared to ask a girl looking like I do right now when she’s due, 9.5 out of 10 times her response would involve violence or tears, and most likely a combination of the two. But I am prego!! I’m one of the .5 girls that would LOVE for a perfect stranger to come up and ask me when I’m due. Instead, I just wear the fitted shirts proudly, assuming that most just look at me and reflect on how they haven’t been to the gym recently either. But for me, its this mark of beauty and pride. My body is doing what its supposed to be doing! And its looking pretty cute doing it in the mean time if I do say so myself!!

So, that’s me.

I had another Dr.’s appointment yesterday. All went well. Today I am 15 weeks and 1 day. This was the first appointment Mark wasn’t at because we knew It was going to be really routine and definitely no monumental occurrences…but oh that heartbeat. I got to hear it again. It will send even emotional rocks like myself into the state of a blubbering fool.*(see asterik below) What is it about a heartbeat that is so powerful?? I guess the obvious answer is its’ signification of life. But its not just life in the physical sense, it’s the signification of a future, of memories, of sweet bedtime rituals and splashy bath time traditions. It’s a wonderment at the good gifts with which God fills our lives. And for what reason other than the joy and pleasure he receives in pleasing his children. Gosh, that heartbeat.

Just five more weeks and the much anticipated ultrasound will occur where we’ll find out the gender. I’m really just not so concerned about whether its a boy or a girl. Really! Just rooting for A gender. You know, just one or the other. That’s all I’m looking for. I digress (severely). So on that note, thank you to a bunch of you that are super supportive and excited right along with Mark and me. Its fun sharing the journey with you☺



*The reason that is funny is because my emotional state as of late exhibits no characteristics remotely like that of a rock.

The Blog formerly known as "A Sliding Glass Door"...

..Has been revamped with new vision!! Namely, the vision of a tiny little fetus that is growing day by day into what will someday (roughly around the 14th of October) be a BABY!!!

Its something worth writing about, thinking about, dreaming about, smiling about.

For a rough update, Baby Ziggy (his/her "en utero" name) is 12 weeks and 2 day old. We have a 6 week old ultrasound of the little guy where the only thing confirmed was that the baby is at serious risk of inheriting his dad's huge head. At 11 weeks we got to hear Ziggy's heartbeat. Hard to express in words all that that single moment held. Ziggy is now about 2.5 inches long (about the size of a plum) and working hard consuming nutrients all day long, leaving me with hunger pains about every hour and a half.

Seriously, its nuts.

We are also proud to say that our baby is officially tail-less. Its a good feeling to know that I will in fact give birth to a human in another 6 months. Wow, 6 months. Lots to do, probably even more to feel. Feelings as of late have included ecstasy, peace, doubt, fear, anxiety, joy, and anticipation. For some reason I thought I would have life a little more figured out before bringing a child into the world and passing on my values to him/her. Well, I guess we still have 6 months. Wow, 6 months...

We will definitely keep everyone updated throughout the coming months...but for now I am going to go focus on refraining from that third bagel and cream cheese of the day.

Just need to get it out there in cyberspace

I thought "I Am Legend" was a powerful powerful movie. It is filled with beautiful metaphors that humbled me and filled my heart with gratitude in the end. I'm not going to say any more than that because I don't want to give anything away. But I do recommend seeing it. Yes its suspenseful but I'm a wuss when it comes to scary movies and I could handle it so I'm sure you can too. If you see it, and are inspired as well, let me know and we'll chat.

Springbreak vacation BOOKED!

The last time Mark and I were on a bonafide vacation was, well, our honeymoon. Thanks to my parents who had a timeshare they weren't using, we've now got a springbreak trip planned to...



San Francisco!!











Lake Tahoe!!












and Yosemite National Park!!!





We are so freaking pumped!! Only 6 months to go. West Coast here we come!!!

addiction

Well I am officially INTO the counseling program. My life and time is FILLED with self-reflection. Between my mentor, my therapist, my supervisor, and my spiritual formation group, Denver Seminary is not gonna let me out of here the same. It was fun at first but at times can be just plain exhausting.

One of the classes I'm taking right now is called "Addictions." Basically it just addresses counseling individuals dealing with addictions. The class has been really really good so far. Part of the class entails weekly journaling about what we are reading or the lectures or whatever else we've been thinking about...yes, more self-reflection. I wanted to share one journal entry...

I've never experienced the addictiveness of drugs or alcohol and yet, this past Friday, when my husband and I were sitting at a middle eastern restaurant I found myself connecting with the unwelcomed alcoholic making a scene, more so than the middle-aged couple sitting next to us. As I watched the man staggering, with his eyes glazed over, talking too loudly, I felt a piece of me getting kicked out of that restaurant as the manager escorted him to the door with threats of calling the police. It was really weird. I was sitting there, watching this man, shamed, disgraced, and making a scene in the restaurant. After he left, I looked down at my food with this moment of odd realization that I am one of the respected paying customers and not the “loser addict”. I needed grace at that moment. A lot of it. A helping bigger than the falafel on the plate in front of me. I could hear the name calling and snickering at the tables around me and found my own face turning red. Throughout life there have been seasons, some short, some long, where I have been entrapped by my own addictions, many too personal to share here. They consumed my thoughts and my heart at various times. I felt trapped. Imprisoned. There are journals sitting in a closet, filled with my prayers to God to release me, to make this day a new day, to make me different.

As I write this, I feel like I would normally feel proud of my exceptional empathy and the heart I had for this man. But see, that’s not really what it was. That’s not really what I was feeling. Through that man, I was experiencing my own shame, exposure, and vulnerability. I felt deserving of the same callous and harsh treatment from the manager as he was receiving. But I don’t receive it. Why? Because I go to work and class sober, dress well, shower regularly, and say and do socially appropriate things. My addictions aren’t as evident to the world and therefore I am treated with dignity and respect.
Its funny. Every person in that restaurant had vices and/or some kind of addiction that they’ve probably been trying to kick for months, years, maybe even decades. But this man was chosen to take upon himself our shame and disgrace on Friday. Anything to take the attention off of ourselves and our own shame. And as an added bonus, everyone got to feel a little better about themselves for not being a drunk and a beggar. Well, at least not on Friday.

out of my league

Here's a pic of the little guy.








Today was the first full day that I nannied for my new little family. Elise is 3, Sophia is 1 1/2, and Gavin is 4 months old (shown above at 5 months). There have been a lot of anxieties churning in my head over the past week in anticipation of my first day with such young kids.

What if I don't know enough about babies?
What if, half way through the day, I realize I've only got two with me?
What if the baby never gets used to me?
What if...while Elise is washing her hands, I hear Sophia choking on her hot dog, to get there just in time to hear elise fall off her bathroom stool and crack her head open, just in time to hear a huge thud from Gavin falling off the bed?

Morbid I know. But my mind can tend to go there.

So yeah, after the first day was over, I am happy (and even a little bit proud) to say,



everything went well.



I mean don't get me wrong, there were of course a few face plants, a finger shut in a dresser drawer (sorry elise), a wet bed, some digested wood chips and playdoh, and a floor covered in cream of wheat but that's all very typical...right? But outside of those things, there were a few small victories and sweet sweet moments that made the day so fun. Like when Sophia face planted for the third time and actually raised her hands in the air to me...ME! And when Gavin finally fell asleep tucked in my arms after finishing all 5 oz. of his formula. Love that. I'm looking forward to more sweet moments.

Eva Rae

My grandma recently celebrated her 83rd birthday.

I didn't get to be with her on her birthday. This picture is from about a month ago when I was in the Chicago area for a wedding and went down to visit her for the day. Its hard to say what it is about Eva Rae that is so endearing. The best phrase I can use to describe her is to comment on her

"heart of gold".

She is a beautiful woman who has loved deeply in her life. This past year has been an especially difficult one for her as my grandpa passed away in February, her husband of nearly 60 years. The commitment and tenderness that she provided grandpa was something truly supernatural. I wish you could have seen the way that my grandpa used to brag about my grandma, calling her his bride and his honey up to the very last days of his life.

Eva Rae Dietrich's deepest loves in life are her family and her Father. In her younger years she was an incredibly gifted singer and pianist. She could still out-play and out-sing most who are reading this. She once recalled that as a young lady in her teens and twenties, parties were known as times to "swing and sway with Eva Rae".

It certainly has a ring to it:)

This Post is an opportunity for me to reflect on the sweet, caring, dynamic, beautiful person that she is. I will never forget at my grandpa's wake, as she greeted each person that walked in with such enthusiasm and sincerity reminiscing on old times with them. She is and has always been a vibrant and self-giving woman.

An inspiration.

I hope you get to meet her sometime.